A friend recently asked this of me when giving me the URL of her new blog. (If you're that friend, "Hey, girl!! Woss hoppenin?") Upon reading the comment, I thought to myself, "Well, of course I wouldn't. After all, we've been friends forever and..."
And that's when I realized that there was absolutely NO way I couldn't judge her. Sorry. I am, sad to say, a complete judger of my friends and family. If they get jobs I know they'll hate, date people I know will hurt them, put on weight or lose weight or contemplate surgery, wear the wrong outfit, raise their children differently than me...well, all I have to say is, "Dress me in black and call me Judy."
Strangers? I don't judge them. I mean, I might be all, "Damn, girlfriend needs to rethink that hairdo," but I don't think she's crazy for wearing it that way. After all, I don't know her. She might have some sort of hideous growth coming out of the top of her head that warrants that ponytail. She might be hiding demons from a bad Japanese horror movie ripoff up in there. Who's to say? Not me...because I don't know her.
I know my friends and family. I know who they've slept with and who they wish they slept with. I know their real hair colors and what they're afraid of. I know what foods they like and what perfume they wear and how old they were when they first got drunk. I know their mamas and daddys and brothers and sisters and cousins. I know if their Aunt Martha (and there are several in our bunch) is nasty or nice. I've seen most of them naked or at least half-naked (and honestly wish that I hadn't.) I know how they got their scars on their shins and on their hearts. I know their favorite books, movies, TV shows. I know their pet peeves. I can tell you how each of them look when they're mad, sad, bad, or glad. I know some of them better than I know myself.
And so, right or wrong, I hold them all to the same standard I hold for myself. If one of them says something that's bullshit, I call them on it. If one of them does something stupid, I will at the very least discuss the stupid thing with one or more of the others. Oh, the conversations we have about each other. "Can you be-LIEVE that shit?" "I know. She's going to pay for it later." (Please, please don't think that I believe that any of them have not, at one time or the other, judged some stupidass thing I've said, done, or believed. I can always hear the corresponding voice of the judger when I'm in the process of being a stupidass.)
I'm wondering what effect my entry into the blogging/forum world will have on my judgement protocol. I mean, I honestly LIKE some of the women on the mom's forum I frequent, but I haven't met them. I don't really know who they are and as I am geographically far away from most of them, I doubt I'll meet them. (Double that doubt for the bloggers I'm starting to follow.) I don't know if it's possible to become heart-friends with somebody without seeing her face as she laughs at you or tells you that she loves you.
Whaddya think? Am I alone on my bench? *Ooh, check out how I tried to solicit comments from the readers. Wonder if it will work...*
10 comments:
Don't worry. We're all judging you too.
i don't judge you. i just accept you for who you are.
We're all judging each other, all the time. Which is fine, so long as nobody turns that judgment into a stick with which to hit...
I think that you can form friendships through blogging. Heart friends? Remains to be seen. But I do know that I've come across some amazing women here - women who I know, without having met them face to face (yet), are smart, literate, kind and funny, to name just a few obvious qualities. Which immediately places them pretty high in my rankings of People I Like, and even People I Do or Wish To Count as Friends. And, I share a lot of myself with these people and with whoever reads me - perhaps not as much as I share with my closest friends, but sometimes damn near almost...
All of which seems to me to be pretty big stuff, in world where we tend to be wary of each other.
Great post. Got me thinking.
Yeah, I sometimes feel icky when I write some things. Do I WANT people to know that I'm a big ol' liberal, gubment-loathing, agnostic, hypochondritic drama queen? Then I think of all the limits I've set as to what I won't write about and I think, "Shit, these people don't know anything about me." It's an interesting idea: a sort of emotional frontier complete with trolls and other nasty critters looking to smash us down. Huh. *Runs off to find notebook.*
I've been judged way too much by way too many people who don't know me, that it's actually helped me. I try very hard to never judge people I dont know, or don't know well...
I too think you will make friends - blog friends? - with a lot of people....
it actually kind of fucks you up too - you're like, I can't wait to tell (Fill in blogger) and then you think, "I only met them a month ago on a blog - and never met them face to face!"
Then again, it can be therapeutic...nothing like strangers making you feel better to make you feel better about human nature...
A little over two years ago, I didn't know what a blog was but I had heard of chat rooms and didn't understand the hold they had on kids.
Now I have a computer and 1-1/2 blogs and I understand it much better. (Still don't like chat rooms).
Except for family, I was isolated; now I'm not and I think of the visitors to granny as friends. I've even met a few.
I agree with 2badladies (where I discovered you) about the people (both women and men) I've "met". She said it well.
I suppose we all judge even if we don't admit it to ourselves but unless me (or one of my online friends) is attacked, I usually keep my mouth shut unless asked.
Not so with my relatives though. They get to hear it from time to time.
I can undoubtedly truly and honestly say that I have made 2 heart friends through blogging (mostly by email corrospondence, but we met through blogging and read one anothers sites)
(I would have said 4, but if I want to say "undoubtedly" then it's only 2)
So, um- yeah. I totally think its possible to make a heart friend with someone who you haven't met face to face. There is a different dynamic to a text friendship, but the heart is still there.
Comment Soliciting worked for me. I think you raise a great point. How can we NOT judge our friends. It is by doing so that we can offer our advice, opinion, support and friendship right? Having said that, there is judging and there is, well judging. And they differ, believe me. There are also different ways to deliver judgements and that I guess is another post entirely.
nattychick.typepad.com
We're all judging you. But your butt looks really good in those jeans, so don't even worry about it.
I DO think "heart friends" can come from this funny world. I think human connection is human connection, and it can happen without being "face friends."
But Tree at crazy-ass family taught me telepathy so that's how I know about your jeans.
I tried leaving you a comment a while back about this post but couldn't until now (operator's error, no doubt).
Loved this entry so much that I wrote about it in my blog.
http://www.beforebaby.com/waya/2006/05/14/im-addicted-tothe-blogosphere/
Thanks for speaking my mind for me! ;-)
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