List. A list because I'm emulating the File Cabinet lately. (Seriously, I may actually be starting a religion here, people. Excellent.)
- Things have been tough lately with Jeffrey. It's difficult for me to speak about it with my friemily because they love me and us so much that they feel the need to give advice or be sympathetic or...you know...nice about the whole thing, which is the equivalent of them running their fingernails down the chalkboard of my soul. (Being my loved one is a picnic, I tell you! A smorgasbord of fun emotion!) Anyway, so much is on my plate that I have recognized (again) that I need to pay more attention to my spirit. So I'm back on the search for my Truth. I believe that I've found something that will work for me, but I'm taking it slowly and doing much research and quiet listening to what my heart tells me. I'll share with you when I get a little more centered about it. (And, judging from the last few sentences, don my floaty purple robes and crystals and light some incense. Sheesh.)
- Did I mention things were tough with Jeffrey? Oh, the hitting and biting and spitting at teachers. So. Much. Fun. For all involved, really. We've found a therapist that specializes in Asperger's and sensory issues, and she seems very good and knowledgeable, so hopefully we can get some help up in this place soon.
- On that note, I've been pondering the spectrum deal a lot lately. Mulling over some genetic issues and human perceptions. More later on that. When I get through a day when Jeffrey's behavior can be pondered versus contained.
- One of the things that I have been feeling lately is that I need to reduce clutter (both real and spiritual) in my life. The Truth path I'm investigating right now advises this as well (GAWD, how kum ba yah, hari krishna, navel gazing do I SOUND right now? Also, why does it make me feel so uncomfortable to sound this way?), so I'm cleaning house. My laundry pile is shrinking and the baseboards are going to gleam as soon as I can get to them. I'm doing this with my soul, as well. The truth (and maybe Truth, as well) is that there are people and situations in my life that cause me pain and stress and yickness. There are things about myself that bring me a lot of anxiety and shame. Some of these things go hand in hand and so I have to let them go. (This causes me pain, as well. Sigh. This whole soul-searching thing SUCKS sometimes.) I'm resolving right now to be more honest, to walk the talk, and to lift up the people who I know want to lift me up. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...to only support the ones who support me. But I have a limited supply of energy right now (spiritual and physical) and I need to use it for good works that garner results. When I'm in a stronger place, I think I can attend to the other works.
- Say it with me now, "Ommmmmmmmm."
- Poor little Squish. She's so precious to me and she is getting the shaft when it comes to Mama-time lately. Part of me knows that decluttering the house will mean more quality time with her. And I know when I get to the bottom of her clothes basket and wash her Moby, I'll be able to cart her around on my errands. But I also know that between the decluttering and the attention Jeffrey demands right now, she's being neglected sometimes. Not that she's going hungry or dirty...I just feel bad about walking away from that big grin sometimes. (And yes, I know that a dirty house will wait, but childhood won't. The decluttering MUST happen for our family to move forward together. The Moby-washing will happen today, I promise.)
- Will and I talked about how we are going to separate the business of the family (budgeting, discipline, organization, etc.) from the usness of us. Because we are both control freaks and we are arguing too much about the business and it affects the usness. In a perfect world, it would all mesh together and hopefully someday we can patch it all up. But right now, we need to be able to say, "We have to stop talking about the credit card." And leave the discussion so that we can snuggle on the couch with no ill will between us.
4 comments:
Yeah, that all sounds rather familiar.
After my recent bout with depression and subsequent post to the blog, a family friend sent me an email telling me that I "gave everyone quite a scare" and that I had "everyone very worried."
I cannot state loud and long enough how much this bothers me. I'm not weak, I was just going through a difficult stretch. It's happened before, it will happen again. I will deal with it. It's what humans do, we deal with stuff in whatever way feels right to us.
What I'm trying to say is, I understand about the loved ones thing. Sometimes you just need to be able to say, "This kid is making me crazy. I love him, but there are times I'd love to just leave him at the curb" and not have anyone get all "ooooh! bad mommy" or get all smother-mothery-huggy-pooh on you. Sheesh.
One of my best buds has a son with severe behavior issues and I've seen what she goes through. Sure, when I first heard her say, "Right now, I do not like that kid" I was startled, but then I thought, Yeah, I don't like him much right now either. It's only fair she can have those same feelings.
Maybe this isn't what you're dealing with, but I have a tendency to over-share stuff anyway.
As for decluttering the house... hoo-boy, yeah, that's an issue with me. I was raised by depression-era pack-rats, and I'm trying to get past the "better save this just in case" thought pattern. My mother was never big on housework either, so I've had to teach myself that particular skill over the years. I'm not a very good teacher...
Decluttering the soul, ah, yeah, that's a long journey, too, but it sounds like you're taking it at the best pace. Um, if you want, I may have a spare robe and some crystals in my majik bag. Smudge stick anyone?
The comment hog will now step down.
My response as I read this comment: Big grin followed by, "Oh, Ms. Karen, I do love you."
I am FEELING the love. C'mon! Everybody join hands and join me in a chant.
You had an aunt named Mollie who became my best friend very quickly. Her last child out of a total of 4 was a clingy whiney little critter who tended to cry after Mollie if she so much as left his side. One day Mollie had had enough and gave him a sound smack to the posterior region. I, being one who had not become a mother yet was sort of appalled that she had actually smacked her darling little blue-eyed tow-headed angel. She looked me square in the eye and said, "People forget that parents are humans and humans can only take so much of constant crying and whining from a kid. I have reached my limit, so there!" I've never forgotten that. We all have limits.
Heather, a bit of soul searching is good, I'm all for it. Dealing with a child with Asperger's is hard work. I know from occasionally seeing my friend have a meltdown. Her son is 7 and his Asperger's causes him many problems at school. It is exhausting. But you know what - it's all right to say so! It's good to say "I need a bit of peace and quiet."
I'm also with Ms Karen on the loved ones thing (isn't she wonderful?) I was in hospital for two weeks a couple of years back with depression. My mother still refers to it as my 'time in the facility' but she won't discuss it with me. Sometimes it's best to leave them out of things if you can.
Hang in there, we're all thinking of you.
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