A New Theory and an Informational Supplement

I have been absent for a loooooonnnng time because A of all:  I've been hellabusy.  Like, "What do you mean, Will, you want me to clean the kitchen?  I have to edit pictures, design marketing layouts, email clients, wash laundry, wipe Jeffrey's allergy laden-nose, plant seeds, clean out the car..." busy.

And, also, a lot of what I want to say falls into the religious/political/philosophical spectrum and as a good chunk of people who I want to pay me money to take their pictures don't share my beliefs about...um...anything, it seemed a good idea not to say anything.  I find it distasteful to use one's religious or political beliefs to GAIN business, but that doesn't mean that I don't recognize that, for many, it's a good marketing strategy.

HOWEVER, today on Facebook I was involved in a political conversation that was so dumb that it almost killed me.  Like, literally, y'all, I almost died right here on the couch because a giant wave of dumb almost sent me into the abyss.  I clawed my way back toward the light and as I lay trying to catch my breath I realized a simple truth, a truth so stunning and devoid of political or religious leanings that I knew I had to share it with you.

Are you ready?  Ready for the TRUTH?

Are you sure?  It's...pretty profound.

Okay, here goes:

The idiots are ruining everything.

I KNOW!!

Now, you have to understand, I'm not talking about conservative idiots or liberal idiots or Christian idiots or Pagan idiots or black idiots or white idiots, I'm talking about the giant, air-sucking army of idiots that trample all over good sense and decency and logic and pretty much eat our brains...

OH MY PARK RANGER, Y'ALL.

They aren't just idiots, they are, like, ZOMBIE idiots.  We are on the cusp of a Zombie Idiot Apocalypse.  And Idiotaclypse, if you will.

It's already started. You can see it in our government's slow grind to absolute irrelevance as they fail in TWO YEARS to come up with a way to stop the defunding of food and education and transportation programs, but somehow manage to--the day after these programs are defunded--introduce $500 million legislation that would provide abstinence-centered sex ed programs to teens and NOBODY STORMED THE CAPITOL.

You see it in the fact that in four years of governance, the president has introduced four budgets and only ONE has been passed, mainly because Democrats are afraid of being seen as spenders and Republicans are afraid of pissing off rich business people.  And so they divert the attention of the idiots to things like "the President stopped White House tours" or "Mitt Romney strapped his dog to the top of the car," which are, you know, awful and everything ,but not in any way a burden on the average American citizen.  The Supreme Court, meanwhile, ruled that corporations are people.  That took them a year and a half to figure out.  It's taken the Court a decade (or more) to get around to addressing gay marriage, an issue which affects MILLIONS of Americans.

You can see it in the fact that Sarah Palin got up in front of millions of people (via TV and interwebs) and made fun of the president using a teleprompter whilst using a teleprompter herself AND compared Washington to reality television after starring in two failed reality programs herself and the entire country isn't saying, "Gah, woman, go back to Alaska and try to spot Russia."

You can see it in the fact that there is going to be a reality television show in which celebrities learn to high dive.  OMG, companies are paying millions of dollars in advertising fees so we can watch Rudy Huxtable jump into a pool.  WHAT THE HELL????  (And I just discovered that Fox actually came up with this idea a year ago.  I...WHAT THE HELL???)

Idiocy is like a virus, y'all.  And we have to stamp it out.  I'm not sure the best way to do it.  I lean heavily toward isolation on remote islands for the idiots, but the bleeding heart in me is always thinking that they can be rehabbed somehow.  If you have any ideas, let me know.

In the meantime, I've come up with a handy-dandy list to help you spot the signs.  It's short and sweet, much like me before I got involved in the dumb conversation this morning.  Feel free to make copies and distribute to your friemily, perhaps noting in somber tones that "Only you can prevent the Idiotaclypse."

SIGNS YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN IDIOT

1. The infected individual chunks people into a group and derides said group, often (ironically) commenting on lack of intelligence.  Only an idiot would assume that ALL of any group believe or act the same way.  To be sure, one is comfortable in a group because one finds people in that group who share one's interests or basic beliefs.  But that doesn't mean that everybody in the group has the same background, education level, romantic life, et cetera.  Even a group with narrowed purposes is comprised of people with varying experiences that lead them to have different opinions.  For example, people who love Joss Whedon and his handling of The Avengers might wonder why Nathan Fillion, who is clearly one of the yummiest members of the Whedon gang, doesn't have a role in that movie.  But SOME of the Joss-Whedon-The-Avengers fans might not like Nathan Fillion and were happy not to have his impish charm grace the big screen again.  (Clearly, these people are not my people.  I don't actually KNOW that these people are idiots, but I have my suspicions.)  My point is, assuming that somebody who calls themselves X must also believe 1, 2, and 3 is idiotic and leads to communication breakdowns and frustrations.  Not all conservatives love Sarah Palin.  Not all liberals love Michael Moore.  Not all gun owners are Republicans.  Not all Christians go to church.  Not all Democrats are pro-choice.  Not all reality television watchers think that clearly what we need is another reality show based upon miserably unhappy rich women.  I hope.  OMPR, I hope.
2. The infected individual refuses to participate in discussions.  Here's how a discussion works:    Hilda says, "I think this."  Bartholemew says, "I disagree."  Hilda says, "I think this because of A, B, and C."   Bartholemew says, "Interesting.  Did you know that A was refuted by researchers at the University of Wichita in 2008?"  Hilda says, "No, I didn't.  That's frustrating.  But C is just my gut feeling, and I trust in that."  Bartholemew says, "I understand.  I don't agree with you, but I respect that opinion.  Can you tell me why you think you might feel this way?"  And it goes on and on, leading to, at the very least, a pleasant goodbye and stronger belief in one's own ideas.  At best, we get a balanced budget AND gay marriage all at the same time.  Idiots cannot manage this.  A "discussion" with an idiot looks a lot like this:  Hilda says, "I think this."  Bartholemew says, "You are so ignorant."  Hilda says, "Um. Why do you think that?"  Bartholemew says, "The turnips on the back of the wagon are always more purple than the ones on the front."  Hilda says, "Actually, in 2011, researchers at the University of Witchita proved that to be false."  Bartholemew says, "I lick tartar sauce off my plate!"  Hilda says, "Wait.  What?"  Bartholemew says, "And you know that the rabbits in Botswana want you to think that.  You're such a sheep."  Hilda says, "But...the researchers at the University of Witchita?"  Bartholemew says, "The government pays off those researchers.  Get your own damn tartar sauce."  And then Hilda is swept into the abyss.  Poor Hilda.  
3. The infected individual cites various websites, blogs, or internet memes to prove his or her point, even when the websites, blogs, or internet memes are proven decades old or just flat out lies.  Moreover, if presented with evidence that is contrary to their "evidence," the idiots will do one of two things.  A:  question (ironically) your intelligence, often declaring that you don't read "history."   Or B:  call you a sheep.  One begins to wonder if idiots actually know what sheep are.  I'm starting to believe that they think that sheep are, you know, monsters.  Or demons.  Or people who are so desperate to believe something that they'll cling to unsubstantiated evidence to uphold their belief.  Which, pretty much, makes them not sheep, as from a biological and physiological standpoint, sheep don't do a lot of clinging or believing.  They do, however, follow the sheep around them, which is exactly what the idiot who reposts a chain email claiming that the pope said, "Women are stupid and stink" does.  IT'S A VICIOUS, IDIOTIC CIRCLE, Y'ALL.  (Extra idiot points to the idiot who posts something inflammatory and ridiculous on Facebook and says, "I don't know if this is true, but...."  Just...hush, you poor idiot.  I'll get a cloth for your head.)  Websites, blogs, and internet memes are FINE justifications for your thought processes, provided that they are well-researched and backed up with verifiable facts.   If they aren't well-researched and backed up with verifiable facts, they are...I don't know.  A waste of interwebby space.  Or...wait.  Waiaaaaait.  Maybe the un-researched, not backed up memes and emails are the actual CARRIERS of idiocy, the method by which the virus spreads.  Does...does this mean we need to turn off our computers or risk infection?

I'm pretty sure it does.